The Adventures of a German in Canada

Last night, I was talking to a guy who had asked when I would be done with my first comp. and what I will be doing for my dissertation.

I told him that my IAS (Intensive Area Seminar) and dissertation will focus on representations of the Holocaust in fiction and film by second- or third-generation writers and directors likewise. My main idea is to analyze how these people deal with and express a trauma that they have never been exposed to. That is, how the trauma is passed on from one generation to the next, to a generation that is disassociated from the Holocaust and the subsequent trauma yet still feels the strong inclination to address it, albeit in a fictional way. Of course they have to fictionalize this trauma to a certain extent, meaning that they create fictional characters and circumstances. However the Holocaust and the trauma that it still causes for subsequent generations is never questioned -- rather it is expressed in different ways, and is characterized by various, often postmodern, narrative techniques. This is a logical shift in paradigms in the representation of the Holocaust as the generation of the survivors is slowly dying off and thus no longer able to provide us with first-hand witness accounts. However the trauma of the Holocaust is omnipresent, both in the survivors' and perpetrators' subsequent generations, and has to and will be constantly addressed in literature. Lest not forget.

That's sort of what I told the guy, albeit in a shorter version.

Here's what he said to me:

"Okay, so you're looking at the fictional representation of the Holocaust, and the fictionalization of a trauma that was and is real.

And you're German. So it was your people who committed all the atrocities, and who were responsible for the Final Solution, and the Holocaust. Aka responsible for this trauma.

Okay, then you being German, the Germans being responsible for the Holocaust, and you looking at the fictional representation of it, bears strong overtones of you implying that the Holocaust never happened."

I was shocked and upset at the same time, and didn't really know what to say except: "Are you kiddin' me?"

I am NOT a Holocaust denier!!! Quite the opposite!

Let me explain that.

The fictional representation of the Holocaust is an inevitable prospect, as the survivors are perishing.

There is a shift towards fictionalizing it, and I'm certainly not the one who initiated it.

However even a fictional representation of a trauma that we're all too familiar with is grounded in historical accuracy.

Why do I constantly feel like I need to apologize for being German?

Granted it was my people that did it, who killed millions and millions of people in concentration camps. I know that. And I can and will never forget. It is a burden being German, no doubt about that, as we are carriers of the third guilt.

The notion of guilt is outlined in Ralph Giordano's book, Die zweite Schuld oder von der Last Deutscher zu sein. Engl. The second guilt, or the burden of being German. He explains that the first guilt stems from what the Germans did in the war, and is thus linked to the war generation. The second guilt of not being able to address, confront, or talk about the Holocaust because of its immediacy, is characteristic for the generation born after the war. A guilt that is connected to the first one, and to the parents' inability to confront and admit. However, even the second or third generation born after the war carry some sort of guilt, a third guilt, in that they are, quite like the carriers of the second guilt, unable to address the darkest aspect of German history, and thus remain caught in a trans-generational complicity in blocking out the war in general, and the Holocaust in particular. I don't want to be part of that.

I know that the survivors are traumatized by this event for the rest of their lives. As will be the second or third generation, to whom this trauma is passed on.

While I don't want to align myself with survivors or their offspring by claiming that I'm a victim of the Holocaust, I certainly am traumatized by this overshadowing event myself.

The trauma of being German. The trauma of not knowing what my grandfathers did in the war. The trauma of being part of a people that value their culture and tradition and then murder millions of innocent people. The trauma of having a family member murdered by the Nazis just because he was bound to a wheelchair.

And now I'm being regarded as a Holocaust denier just because I want to analyze the fictional ways in which the trauma of the Holocaust is passed on?

...

As part of the Phd program, every student has to pass a language exam in another language than English. They want us to demonstrate sufficient knowledge in another modern language so that we can read articles etc. when doing research.

So far so good.

Which language you will be tested on, also depends on your doctoral research project.

Again, so far so good.

I will be looking at Post-Holocaust literature and film, and trauma theory. And I will be focussing on British and German stuff. Right. So logically, the second language that I will need for my dissertation is obviously German.

Are you still with me? :-)

So the other day, ET said to me that I need to find out when I have to do the language exam, and that I should email the Grad. Coordinator. Which I did.

The Grad. Coordinator asked which other language it is that I will need for my diss.

German, of course.

So I figured me being German and needing German as a second language would be enough to be allowed to skip that language requirement.

Or so I thought...

No. This is obviously not the case.

I need to provide them with official documentation indicating that I had some schooling in German.

What the fuck do you want, people? I was conceived, born and raised in Germany, went to a German kindergarten, German primary school, German highschool, German university, and ever since I started talking (which, I believe, set in at the age of 2 or so), all words that came out of my mouth were German. Or at least German-sounding.

And now you want me to take a test and show that I have sufficient knowledge of my mother tongue??? Are you kiddin'?

Maybe I should note that the school might be lenient and grant me a waiver so that I don't have to do the language requirement.

But only if I can provide documentation about my German.

I AM GERMAN. G E R M A N. GERMAN. What other documentation do you need, for fuck's sake? I'm authentic. Not a fake.

I can even swear in German, and I'm pretty sure that only authentic German would understand me.

This is just ridiculous.

All I can say is: Leckt mich am Arsch!!!

Not you I mean, I'm referring to my students. They don't read. And even worse. They don't bring texts to class anymore. They just sit there and stare at me.

Yes, they stare at me. And at the clock that's right behind me. Sometimes I think I should just turn around and stare at the clock, too.

For 50 minutes.

I'm frustrated. I really am. I've always enjoyed teaching, but this term it's just painful.

I know that students don't really like Chaucer and Spenser. But we're done with that. We're doing Macbeth now. And if you don't wanna fucking read, then rent at least the movie. And watch it.

AAAAHHHH!!!

And turn off the stupid block-up blocker, already.

GSA -- I hate you. Each and everyone of you. I don't know why I'm still working for you. Well, the only reason is the honourarium which I so desperately need. You may think I'm materialistic. Let me assure you, I'm not. But if you have to tuition fees, incidental fees, living fees, eating, and drinking fees, and wonder where the fuck the money comes from, then welcome to my world. And on top of that, you "work" for a school, that pays you not even a minimum wage, holds a pay cheque right in front of you, laughs at you, and as soon as you think I'll take that and run away with it -- they take it back and tell you that you still owe them fees. And even more fees. And fees for fees. And interest. And so on.

But back to the stupid GSA shit I've been doing. I think they are about to start a revolution, which I definitely will not be part of. I hate this *let me crawl up your ass* attitude some of the members in here have. I plain and simply hate it. That's not my cup of tea. I'd only crawl up some people's asses to light a fire in them.

Here I am, contemplating about all the work I have to do, the lack of sleep I suffer, and the amount of time I don't have. Hey, what else is new when you're doing a PhD, I wonder... Did you know that doing a PhD can lead to serious GAS problems? Well, nor did I, until my GAS problems set in. And they weren't normal GAS problems, no, because it was 18th century GAS I was filled up with. But thank God, I had some partial relief last Friday, and I wannna take the opportunity to thank all my friends, who were there, for their support and encouragement. Okay, by now you probably think I'm totally fucked in the head -- which is, of course, partially true. But then, let me ask you: do you know how to turn offfff the pop-up blocker?
Well, bear with me -- this question will be at the center of my future investigation.