An awkward title this one: Make Me a German (BBC2). Is that as in create one for me, out of DNA in a test tube perhaps, or by twisting a balloon? Daddy, Daddy, I want a German, make me one now. Or does it mean turn me into one?
B, it turns out. In which case wouldn't Make Me German have been less ambiguous? Or Make Us German, because it's the Rowlatt family who are after Germanisation. Justin, Bee and their two youngest are leaving north London to live in a flat in Nuremberg for a while, in order to understand what it means to be German, particularly when it comes to being successful.
It should be easier for Bee – she's half German, and though she's never lived there, she has a few Teutonic traits. Like she enjoys sitting on the lav with the door open, having a merry exchange with anyone passing by. Thank you Bee, for that. Incidentally, Germans spend far longer on the loo than we do, especially the men (especially grossvater obviously), and they don't crumple their loo paper, they fold it – efficiently, of course.
Bathroom behaviour is one of the key differences between us and them. Here are some other interesting things I gleaned from this programme …
Work
Germans work shorter hours, but earn more. That's because they actually work when they're at work. We discuss the weekend – the one just gone, the one coming up, any weekend – or we're on Facebook. And Germany still makes things – cars, pencils – very well. Justin gets a job in a pencil factory, but he's late of course, because he's British. (Sometimes the situations are a little forced – oh, I'm late, because I'm British, and now I'm sending a text, that's not allowed?) German pencil-makers enjoy making pencils, and they feel a sense of belonging and community with the pencil company and their fellow workers. Shared bonus schemes help.
Play
Again, Germans are more community-minded than we are, they like to belong, to do something together with like-minded people. They meet up to sing after work, or they go to see their football team, which they part-own.
Stereotypes
Yeah, they're pretty much spot on, it appears (loads of rules, organised, efficient, even with loo paper, Germans are generally naked etc). And this film certainly doesn't shy away from stereotypes. But if they're broadly true, and broadly positive, why not? People will probably also moan about the war coming up. But it's so important to the story of modern Germany, the ashes (literally) from which it rose. Plus the Rowlatts are in Nuremberg, famous for its gingerbread, sausages and its Nazi history, as Justin says. Mention the war!
Prejudice
Yeah, also alive and well. There are many immigrants and different cultures in Nuremberg, says the Rowlatts' new neighbour, a police officer. Mainly Turkish, he thinks. It's not a problem (translation: it's a problem). The Rowlatts, being British, pretend not to notice that they're living next door to a racist. Later he comes round to tell them to keep the noise down. More rules. Oh, and if you are Turkish (or whateverish), even second or third generation, you don't have such a good job. And what do the Germans think of Britain? They don't really. It's rainy, and boring? Oi!
Women
Also not so good news, surprisingly. Booooo! Women are encouraged – by kindergarten timetables, by society, by language even (the German phrase for working women translates as raven mothers, because they abandon their children) – to stay at home to cook and clean, for more than four hours a day! The hausfrau is alive and well. And Bee's not happy about it. Go girl ... erm, go woman?
Kinder
Ah, this is better. Germans have fewer children but they have a brilliant time. They go to school in the forest (well, some do), where they climb trees and learn to love nature. They pick up all their litter of course. They poo in the woods too, like lovely little German bears. It makes the trees grow tall and strong.
I'm wondering if bathroom habits are the key to everything. Oh go on then, since we're sharing, and Bee came clean about leaving the door open, in order to natter … Well, I'm actually a quarter German, so I suppose I should leave just a crack open, so to speak, so to speak. Do I? No I bloody don't! Filthy Germans.